Downtown Abuja, Nigeria -- home of the Internet scam investigation Panel (not shown)

I’m a popular guy. At times, perhaps, too popular. Lately, I can’t log online and open my email without being bombarded with spam and scam.  Try as I might to filter out the dirty words and the sexual enhancement products, some creative nonsense still manages to overwhelm my online defenses.

The other day I read a particularly annoying spam/scam email, but it was pretty hard to not laugh. Beyond the grammatical errors and the simply outlandish phrasing, this one was so patently absurd that I had to wonder if there was really some moron out there who would fall for this – but, I quickly stopped myself with the reminder that I earn a living as a lawyer and but for stupidity, I’m not sure that I’d have much of a law practice.

I think it fair to say that Detective Edward Alex’s “Very Urgent” email warning had me at “Good Day Dear”.  Ah yes, the international salutation that signals an authentic communication from the “Intenet scam investigation Panel” located in the heart of the world’s law enforcement efforts, sunny Garki-Abuja, Nigeria – at a location that is off Samuel Akintola Street (just in case you were planning on strolling over there).  If you turn left at the Starbucks on Samuel Akintola Street  and walk about 20 feet beyond the Barnes & Noble, I believe that you will find the august offices of the Internet scam investigation Panel, which is in the rear of the Petco, just past the tropical fish department.

Although I did not have the time to reply to the good Detective, I very much appreciate his sincere concern about how sad he was to learn that the people who are ripping me off are all criminals who feed on my back pocket. Lovely imagery, that – gotta give Detective Alex credit for the word picture.  I also took great comfort at learning from Detective Alex that:

Anybody caught to be involved in scam  will serve 12years Jail terms as abiding to Economical and Financial Crime Commission (EFCC) constitution in section 42 subsections 102 of 2007 Constitution.

I sort of knew that the scamsters who did not abide by the EFCC constitution would get 10years Jail terms but I never knew that section 42 subsections 102 of the 2007 Constitution imposed 12years Jail terms. Now, under the old 2005 Constitution you only got 7years Jail terms but that came with 23months Jail-in-house terms.  They really changed things for the worst in 2007.

The good Detective concludes his email missive to me  (which he signs off with the phrase “sincerely and prayerfully yours” with these very precise instructions:

You are to contact the commission directly and only on this email address: gilbertobi@blumail.org  record@blumail.org or srgmarcos@superposta.com  we are not telling you there is a fund for you in he Ministry but contact them on the email above and inquire first to know if there is any real fund in your name in Africa they should be able to investigation and let you know rather than wasting your money on criminals who claims offices in the World and if you are still dealing with anybody in Africa claiming they have funds for you that is at your own risk because you have been given the real direction to inquire about your fund first to know if there is any.

For those of you interested in such things, below is the full-text of the email:

—–Original Message—–
From: Detective Edward Alex
Sent: Mon, Jun 13, 2011 1:19 pm
Subject: Very Urgent

Detective Edward Alex
Head of Internet scam investigation Panel
Address: Zaria Street , Off Samuel Akintola Street ,
Garki 11, Garki-Abuja Nigeria .

Good Day Dear,

The first time we contacted you was on April24 on the discovery of the below information regarding the ugly experience you have and still going through from scammers, you simply ignored our notice and we are coming again to advice you it has been re confirmed to this office that some group of impostors are currently ripping you off claiming they are Banks, Delivery Company ,EFCC Nigeria, IMF, FBI, Western Union, Money gram Diplomat Agents and others especially in Nigeria and  Benin Republic and you have being their victim paying mkoney after money for ending acquireing of documents, certificates, these fees and another surely and it is very sad to know you have not find out that these people are all criminals who feeds on your back pocket, how long do you intend to keep sending these people money?

This information is reaching you from the office of the Internet Scam Investigation Group, the people you are dealing with are all internet criminals operating from different part of Africa, they only want your money and they are the same people but write you differently since you find it very easy sending your personal information to any email claiming they have fund for you without a proper inquiry, they are not what they claim they are and I don’t know if you have sent them any money at all, if yes I tell you they will keep demanding until you become a beggar, it is time for you to open your eyes before you remain a victim of internet scam forever, this will serve as eye opener to you to stop further dealings at all ad follow the guideline we shall give you to find out if you trully have any REAL fund belonging to you in Africa or not..

I ask, have you been able to find out why you receive all kinds of emails daily claiming it have funds for you?  Have you asked yourself if there is any fund awarded in your name at all? or do you believe anybody that contacts you and says they have fund for you? I really pity your situation after going through the details forwarded to our office today.

Recently, report from the headquarters of the West Africa Internet Scam Monitoring Unit revealed that 70% of internet Scam in Africa is carried out by touts and jobless men in Africa and Nigeria Benin Republic to be precise (unemployment rate in Africa) and for this reason we are on assignment to stop further scam to you and also it was revealed that these criminals has partners working for them in Benin Republic, London, USA and other European and Asian Countries  so at times you are contacted from even your own Country but it is all but scam.

Anybody caught to be involved in scam  will serve 12years Jail terms as abiding to Economical and Financial Crime Commission (EFCC) constitution in section 42 subsections 102 of 2007 Constitution.

West Africa Community will not be liable for your lost fund if you continue with those impostors who have been scamming you over the years and up till now you have not received a dime, contact the Commission to make inquiry if you have fund at all here or Africa, report the names of those fake offices you are dealing with immediately.

If you want to put an end to this scam you have experienced or still experiencing and if you ever want to receive your fund from Africa if there is any, first is to INQUIRE the only truth of your fund will be found in the office of the Nigeria Ministry of State for foreign Transaction commission where you will inquire if there is any real fund in your name presenting your names, your drivers lince or your drivers licence number for verification, below contact address  belongs to the staffs of the Nigeria Ministry of State for foreign Transaction commission where this inquiry should be made by you as

Mr. Douglas Marcos: Foreign Agent for the Ministry of State for foreign Transaction
Hon Aliyu Idi Hong: Head of Commission
Hon Tony Madueke: The vice Head of the Commission.

You are to contact the commission directly and only on this email address: gilbertobi@blumail.org  record@blumail.org or srgmarcos@superposta.com  we are not telling you there is a fund for you in he Ministry but contact them on the email above and inquire first to know if there is any real fund in your name in Africa they should be able to investigation and let you know rather than wasting your money on criminals who claims offices in the World and if you are still dealing with anybody in Africa claiming they have funds for you that is at your own risk because you have been given the real direction to inquire about your fund first to know if there is any.

Write us back for any assistance on how to contact the Ministry if you are ready to find out the truth about any fund belonging to you.

Sincerely and prayerfully yours, 
Detective Edward Alex
Head of Internet scam investigation Group.