Have I Got a Gold Mine Deal for You (seriously)

January 29, 2010

Step right up, c'mon, don't be shy.  Boy oh boy, do I have a deal for you. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. No need to crowd. Plenty of room for all.


I've got this company. The R.U. Kidding Gold Mining Corporation. Sure, it's for real. It's even more than real…it's really amazing! Listen up.


R.U. Kidding is a bona fide U.S. company that I've incorporated in the lovely Midwest state of Indiana. You all heard of Indiana. The Boilermakers. Purdue. Notre Dame. The Colts. They call themselves the damn "Crossroads of America" - it's their state motto, you know. Can't get more mainstream America than Indiana.


Of course, incorporating in Indiana is one thing, but, no, ladies and gentlemen, I've gone a step better.  We're opening the R.U. Kidding Gold Mining Corporation's office in the famous Lone Star State. Texas!  That's right, Remember the Alamo and all that.  It's a big state for big folks with big ideas.  That's why we're there. 


Sonny, please, don't hog the space - let your mamma and daddy get in a little closer here.


Okay, folks, so, as I was saying, we got the Indiana state of incorporation - see the lovely gold seal on this here Article of Incorporation…touch it…feels real good, no? We got R.U. Kidding sitting pretty in our deluxe office in Texas.  And now, for the deal closer.  We're going into the gold mining business.  That's right, gold. The metal of kings, queens, and the elite. It shines. It glitters. It resists the scourge of the ages.


Now... what ya gonna do with an Indiana gold mining corporation operating outta Texas?  You don't just start drilling in any old patch of dirt. Wouldn't be right. Wouldn't be proper and all. So, we gave it a lot of thought.  Hired some top gold mining folks. Consulted with the best. And that's how we came upon the spot. 


Where you ask?  Where is this pot at the end of the rainbow? Why, of course, there's only one place on God's green - or should I say gold - earth. The Land of Enchantment. That's how the folks call the place. It's on their license plates. It's New Mexico.


I can see by the looks on your faces that I have you titillated, your interest is piqued. But I don't want you just writing out blank checks to R. U. Kidding. Course not. You gotta know what you're buying first. We gotta get into bed together, so to speak, and we gotta know that we can trust each other. I don't want to take your money. No, I want you to want to give it to me.


So, in good faith--you know the Ancient Romans had a term for this. Bona Fide. Good faith. That's Latin. The language of Julius Caesar.  It's what that Maximus fellow likely spoke in the movie Gladiator. It's a Latin phrase, and just as Latin is the timeless language, gold is the timeless metal. Never fades. Shines forever. Can't say that about the old U.S. dollar can you?  Our buck ain't worth what it once was, but an ounce of gold, why that's more than a $1,000 of those useless paper bills.  Solid gold, they say, and for good reason. Ain't nothing solid about your paper money.


How much is R. U. Kidding Gold Mining Corporation offering to a few, and only a few, lucky investors?  Six million dollars? Sixty million? Six-Hundred million?  Course not!  We're not scam artists. This is for real. Serious. We're only looking to sell some $600,000 worth of stock. 


But, whoa there. Hold on to your wallets. For all you know I could be a con artist. We don't know each. You all gotta be careful. So, here's what I'm gonna do. Over on that far table there, I've got documents for you to read. Pick ‘em  up. Touch ‘em - just don't rip them, folks; they're very expensive. 


Now, item number one, is the official registration statement for the R.U. Kidding Gold Mining Corporation stock offering. They don't put that eagle and all on every piece of paper. Note that the registration is for three million shares of stock in R.U. Kidding at the affordable, I say affordable, price of only 20˘ each.  Why you can't even get a lousy candy bar for that price these days - and here I am, out of my mind, offering y'all gold.  If you read our official registration statement you will see that we filed with the United States Securities and Exchange Commission. Notice the ornate seal of the federal regulator.  That's the genuine article.  Now, some among you might say, "well, any fool can forge a registration statement." And you know what, you'd be right. So, here's what I'm gonna do.  When you go over to that table with the official SEC registration statement on it, you're going to see some proof.  Proof that this is a real deal.  Here's what I'm laying out on that table for all to see.


First, you got audited financial statements from the Certified Public Accounting firm of Dollah & Zents, CPA.  Not just any CPAs but a well known outfit from the exclusive community of Boca Raton, Florida. Playground of the rich is what that is. I want you to look over the accountants' "Report of Independent Registered Public Accounting Firm" and the "Consent of Independent Certified Public Accountant." We pay those folks top dollar to crunch the numbers. Known them for years. Like a damn Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.


Second, we got the lawyers weighing in.  CPAs are one thing, but they're just adding up the columns. It's the lawyers who are your first line of defense. If they don't sign off on every little statement and fact in the registration,  then the SEC boots our ass out the door and we don't even get to square one. You can read the written legal opinion on this deal.  We found the best Indiana law firm we could.  After all, that's our state of incorporation and who knows better than lawyers in your home state? So, read what the law firm of Ovar, Bill & Padd said to the SEC.  It better be one hell of a work of art because those lawyers probably billed us twice for it.


Of course, accountants and lawyers - well, let me watch my choice of words here with all the ladies and children in the audience. If you've dealt with those professionals, well, you know what I'm saying - lucky we have any money left afterwards.  Which leads me to my next point.  We're digging for gold. Numbers and laws are one thing, but we need to get the damn gold outta the ground. We can't be wasting time looking and hunting around for the stuff. That's why we went and hired the internationally known Consulting Geologist Bo Guss to give us the best geology report money could buy - and, if I say so myself, Bo nailed it.  You can read about the mother lode that we're sitting on in the Land of Enchantment.  The good state of New Mexico is indeed enchanted when it comes to gold.  We have fallen under its spell.  Read the report by Bo Guss - he says it all.


Finally, we went out and entered into a contract with American Bedrock Stock Transfer.  No Mickey Mouse outfit. American Bedrock's name on our deal confirms that this is the big leagues.  Your certificates will be handled by the best of Wall Street. 


That's it folks. Nothing to worry about. It's a first-come-first-served offering, so make sure you see me afterwards with a check or cash in hand.




A note from Bill Singer:  For those of us in the biz, the above hypothetical is not as far-fetched as we would like to think - or perhaps as you might imagine.  When you hear such promises or see the documents, what should you think? 


Well, for starters, why don't you look at the allegations in this recent SEC Complaint.