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July 8, 2015

First United Airlines went down in the early morning. Then, sometime around 11:30 a.m., the New York Stock Exchange announced it had stopped trading because of internal trading issues. Veteran Wall Street lawyer Bill Singer was seen racing to the NYSE in a taxi and heard repeating some words to a female passenger. Singer insisted that only those words would prevent the world's stock exchanges and airlines from freezing amid an alien cyberattack. Only time will tell whether Singer's efforts will save the world from doom. See LIVE FOOTAGE below:


When last we left our intrepid software de-crashificator Bill Singer, he had whispered three strange words to SEC Chair Mary Jo White. When last we heard of Chair White, she was seen in the arms of a very large robot who was overheard telling her that he wasn't "Gort" but his second cousin "Gallagher." Apparently, this Gallagher robot took White into his spaceship and showed her a book, which has been roughly translated as "To Serve Man (or Woman)."

Undeterred by the loss of his colleague, Bill Singer sent out an emergency alert. A nine-year-old Jewish boy responded and according to the most recent reports, that child solved today's NYSE software crash.  See LIVE FOOTAGE below: