Sharktopus Versus WhaleWolf Versus Sharknado (Bill Singer Cries for Help)

July 20, 2015

So . . . yesterday I was getting ready to watch what I would call a combination science and documentary film about ichthyology, genetics, and animal husbandry. I explained to my wife that the movie was something that she often watches on the National Geographic channel. She's an animal lover.

Imagine my shock and surprise when the film started on the acclaimed SyFy channel and my spouse not only asked if I was an idiot but also demanded the television remote control and admonished that I had lost my television show selection privileges for a month. I mean, c'mon, what's so low-brow about "Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf"?

In defending my viewing choice, I explained to my wife that there was substantial artistic merit and cinema verite in the unfolding drama about a scientist (okay, one of those "mad" scientists) who spliced the genes of a killer whale with that of a wolf to create a Whalewolf. She seemed to have forgotten the power of my explanations in 2010 about how Sharktopus was genetically engineered from a shark and octopus by the US Navy as part of of project to develop a combat-ready killing machine. You see what I mean about how credible these characters are? In any event, it turns out that the only thing between the Whalewolf and its human being smorgasbord is Sharktopus, which I thought had been blown apart in its first on-screen role.

Alas, I will never know who won that epic battle because my wife made me watch some show about a couple visiting three homes and arguing over which they were going to live in.  In any event, I'm sure that the film trailer below will support my contention that Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf was not far-fetched and made for morons, which I think was the gist of my wife's argument. Of course, I'm hoping that they will soon film Shartopus versus WhaleWerewolf, in which a half-shark/half-octopus does battle with a half-whale/ half-werewolf.

All of which leads me to Wednesday, July 22nd, when I have told my wife that we will be watching a British costume drama on PBS. She was okay with that. Duh.  What she doesn't know is that I am planning on watching "Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!"

This is going to present a challenge based upon my wife's earlier reaction to the Sharktopus and Whalewolf movie -- and, to be fair, she sort of warned me after sittting through Sharknado 2 that she had no plans of watching any more of that crap.  Now in Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!, we are not dealing with the combination tornado and shark terror in Los Angeles or New York City. This time it's a completely new plot.

In Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! the meteorfishilogical phenomenon will attack both Washington, D.C. and Orlando, Florida. That's totally different from setting the film in either L.A. or the Big Apple. And it's totally awesome!

This third installment not only has Ian Ziering and Tara Reid reprising their nearly-Academy Award winning performances (despite not having been nominated for the Oscar in the two prior installments) but purportedly will have walk on and eaten-whole performances by Mark Cuban (from Shark Tank to Sharknado!) and David Hasselhoff (from Baywatch to Shark watch). In order to give the whole Capitol Hill thing some realism, former Congresswoman Michele Bachman is also scheduled to appear.  If you think I'm making this up, look at this full cast: READ

For all those spouses who will be on TV-lockdown and forbidden to watch Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! on Wednesday evening, here is the trailer: