You get 'em. I get 'em. We all get 'em. Those stupid-ass emails offering us millions of dollars in exchange for a modest fee. Often, they are so poorly written and so transparent in disguising the attempted fraud that they become laughable. Some efforts are so obvisously bogus that they arrive in your Inbox with a bright red warning of possible spam or worse. The other day this particular bit of jackassery found its way into my Inbox:
If you're wondering, Mr. Norbert Brou's unsolicited and unwanted email is in my trash folder and I have placed his address in my list of blocked senders. Alas, Norbert and I are destined to be two email addresses passing in the night, never to become acquainted beyond SPAM, TRASH and DELETE. That being said, I do feel I owe Mr. Norbert Brou a reply, which I will undertake as follows:HelloFROM: Mr.Norbert BrouAug 21, 2018, 8:19 PMHello,Treat as top secret. Excuse me for contacting you upon we haven't known to each other before but to avoid suspect of legally wrong made me decided with total stranger with hope on strategies to get well known to each other.The fact is that I'm in position to make transfer of Unclaimed fund: $5.7 Million U.S Dollars abandoned in reputable financial security institution by deceased, of which, I can make information matched to your name as his business partner but only if you are capable to carry the taxes required to succeed the deal genuine. I wish you wouldn't mind replying to discuss how to gain documents necessary to justify ownership of the fund and get it transferred to you. Please, reply to e-mail: (email@example.com)Sincerely,Mr.Norbert Brou
Dear Mr. Brou:Thank you for you top secret offer to transfer $5.7 Million U.S Dollars in unclaimed funds to me by matching my name in a deal genuine. As you can clearly see, when I am asked to treat something as top secret, I honor that request.I was going to reply to you as directed via firstname.lastname@example.org but when I rolled over your sender's address, it disclosed another sender's address: "email@example.com" Given that you are competing with at least 49 other Habib Abrahims who use yahoo.com for their email, I opted for the more secure modality of responding to your offer via this public posting on the INfor MATION Hy=way IntErnetsweb.I know that we've never met but I feel like we have a special, intimate bond. As you so perfectly stated in your email to me "we haven't known to each other before but to avoid suspect of legally wrong made me decided with total stranger with hope on strategies to get well known to each other." What a lovely sentiment! Of course let's not get into anything legally wrong and, sure, I too am hoping on strategies to get well known with you.In any event Norbert or Habib, or, you know, whoever -- whomever -- I'm just going to go with Norbert because I've never known anyone by that name and it has a lovely ring to it. Norbert, you truly don't need to apologize for offering me this wonderful opportunity to obtain the unclaimed millions that were abandoned at a reputable financial security institution by an unnamed deceased person. If you know the dearly departed, please send my condolences to his family -- and, sure, you have my permission to do so in a top secret fashion in keeping with the nature of your proposed transaction. As to that reputable financial security institution, excuse my hesitation, but after some 37 years working on Wall Street, I can't quite think of any financial institution that I would honestly call "reputable," but why quibble over an adjective when there's so much unclaimed money sitting around in the dead guy's account, he should only rest in peace but maybe not directly on my money. If you can, scooch him over just a bit, okay? Wash your hands afterwards.I have decided to accept your transfer to me of $5.7 Million U.S Dollars. In fact, just to show you that I'm a stand-up kind of guy, just send me $5 Million U.S Dollars and keep $700,000 U.S Dollars for yourself. Indeed, I am capable to carry the taxes required to succeed the deal genuine. Also,I am faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive,and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. On second thought, it may take two or three bounds at my age but I'll still get over the tall buildings.In my professional career as a Wall Street maker of deals, I have done many deals genuine and even some deals not-so genuine. Personally, I prefer deals genuine. I hope that you prefer deals genuine too. One day I even hope to do a deal genuine with Elgin Baylor Lumpkin. Have you ever met Mr. Lumpkin? My understanding is that he has a history with deals genuine. Mr. Lumpkin is a very private entrepreneur who doesn't like folks prying into his business. We should try to get him to work with us on deals genuine in the future.In further response to your inquiry, consider this my reply to discuss how to gain documents necessary to justify ownership of the unclaimed funds and to get same transferred to me. If it's all the same to you, just go ahead and put the funds in a bank account; send me the account number, access code, and password; and then I will log on to the INfor MATION Hy=way IntErnetsweb and transfer the funds to my own account.In closing, the answer to some of your questions about my personal identification are as follows:
- Birth Date: Friday
- High School Graduation Date: Felicia Melish
- College Graduation Date: No one. Felicia Melish and I broke up a few weeks prior to my graduation.
- Law School Graduation Date: Not sure of her real name. She charged $2,500 for the night, which included a complimentary beverage and limo(there was no Uber in those days).
- Sex: Usually by myself unless interrupted
- Social Security Number: I would like to fax a copy of my social security card to you but no longer have a fax machine. I will post it on my MySpace page and also send a copy to you from my Hotmail account.Norbert, I hope the above information is enough for you to get the paperwork moving and demonstrates how close I feel we've become in avoiding suspect of legally wrong as we develop strategies to get well known to each other. Do not disclose this to other third parties because they will try to fraud you with international scam with moneys held in Benin, Cote d'Ivoire,or Nigeria. Be wary of that lady who keeps sending me emails and claims to be the second wife of former dictator Qadaffi or Kadaffy or Khadaffy and claims that she has been dying of some terrible disease for at least five or more years now. Also, there's that other lady who was married to an African general whose plane was shot down and he was killed but they kept his money in a Swiss Bank. Apparently, my name is getting around as someone who is reliable when it comes to developing strategies to get well known with other folks. In any event, let's keep this transaction between us. As my pal Elgin Baylor Lumpkin says, it ain't none of your friends' business what we're doing. Either we're doing a deal genuine or it's all a waste of time.Your pal,Bill Singer DeeAblo666@hotmail.com