"To help limit personal contact and create more space for social distancing, Costco has reduced service in some departments," the company explained to outraged customers on its Facebook account.
Costco confirmed to CNN Business it's not selling the half-sheet cakes anymore and it has "no immediate plans" to bring it back. A spokesperson added that its 10-inch round cakes "seem to be resonating with our members."
Some may not see the connection between Costco's decision to stop baking sheet cakes and the Supreme Court's CFPB Opinion. Ahhh . . . but I do! If you ask me, and I do (and you should too -- okay, thanks for asking), Costco set this whole thing up on purpose in order to force us to buy 10-inch round cakes. No wonder there are outragedcustomers.
True Americans were planning on spending July 4th eating an entire half-sheet, double-chocolate cake from Costco. I mean, you know, like what the hell else were we supposed to do this year for the holiday? You can't go anywhere without the risk of dying. You can't even inhale. May as well stuff our face with handfuls of cake, right?
No one in their right mind is going to wait on line and buy franks on rolls while some guy is handling all the toppings and sides. And who knows what the hell is even in a frankfurter, right? When they say "parts," I wonder parts of what. Also, how long has that frankfurter been rolling on that grill?
Just for the point of discussion. let's say that I saddle up and head out to my local frank stand. Let's say I'm willing to take one for the team, which I would do out of respect for the Minute Men at Lexington and Concord and for all the Founding Fathers who had statues until last week. Having taking on all that patriotic risk, I sure as hell don't want to get stuck in line behind some fellow patriot bedecked in a "Live Free or Die" t-shirt, who refuses to wear a mask and is ordering 50 franks with fries, drinks, and ice cream pops for his militia buddies, and all the while he is nervously fingering the trigger on the AR-15 slung around his shoulder. Worse, half the time these guys have coupons which they stuck in one of their 20 or so jacket pockets and they can't find them, and, even worse, they try to combine the coupons when it clearly says that the coupons are good only for one order and one customer and can't be combined. Plus, as we all know, the coupons are void where prohibited.
So, sure, this year, I was all set for the trade-off. I was prepared for the Great American Sacrifice: a half gallon of Tito's Vodka, home-grilled franks on rolls with mustard and sauerkraut, and my personal slab of a Costco half-sheet of cake. Eaten inside. Windows pulled shut. Shades drawn. Handled with surgical gloves. Pushed into my face over a lowered mask. And now, thanks to Costco, the Supreme Court, and the unconstitutional CFPB, even that lousy bit of fun is ruined because pinko, socialist, left wing, Antifa-lovin' progressives are forcing all Americans to eat round cake.
I don't want to eat no round cake.
I don't like round cakes.
Ask anyone who knows anything about cakes and they will tell you that round cake sucks. Sheet cakes are what you go with. Like who the hell eats a round pizza? Well, yeah, you're right, everyone eats a round pizza but they do make sheet pizza, which I think it's called Sicilian Pizza. If you've ever eaten a rectangular Sicilian pie you never go back to that round crap.
In America we go square. We go rectangular. We don't go round! You ever had a round French Fry -- I mean Freedom Fry? Have you joined the All-American Hamburger Patty Protest -- the AAHPP? We are seeking signatures on a nationwide petition to outlaw round hamburger patties in favor of the patriotic square patty pioneered by the wonderful folks at Wendy's. Sadly, no one wants to stand on street corners these days trying to get petitions signed. No one wants to sign an AAHPP Petition. And I can't find a Wendy's that's open. But, surely I digress!
Personally, I don't trust folks who eat those round, minty, chocolate circles called York Peppermint Patties. York's like a British name, no? They burned down the White House and keep adding "u" to words like color and flavor. We need to look into that. Personally, I was raised to eat an All-American chocolate bar: bar as in a rectangle. Old Glory is also a rectangle and I'm sure that many patriotic bakeries will sell rectangular American Flag cakes this year.
First they came for my rectangular chocolate bar.
Then they came for my half-sheet cake.
Next they'll come for my gun. Or my hand sanitizer.
If you had half a brain, you'd see how the Costco half-sheet cakes are key notes in the mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battle-field, and patriot grave, to every living heart and hearthstone, all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature and the better shape of the sheet cake versus the commie geometry of a round cake. In these dark days, Americans have to draw the line somewhere. If we let Costco dictate this geometrical fascist, deep-state alteration of our desserts, what's next? Will Old Glory be reshaped into a circle?