August 11, 2017
I get them. You get them. We all get them. Those idiotic emails proposing get-rich-quick schemes with laughable misspellings, odd punctuation, quirky names, and hysterically officious references. Normally, I just hit DELETE. Yesterday, I go one that was just so idiotic that I thought you would enjoy reading the email as received and, thereafter, my response.
FROM: Michael MCconeei
A power of attorney was forwarded to our office this morning by two individuals (Richardson Marks-White and ( Mrs Lissy Jones ). They claimed to be your representative,and the power of attorney stated that you are dead, they brought an account to replace your information in other to claim the said fund in tune of $5.5Million USD which is now lying DORMANT and UNCLAIMED.
Find below the new account they have submitted for claims
Bank Name: US BANK
Branch Address: 1099 Lincoln Avenue,
SWIFT Code: USBKU5441NT
Routing Number: 121100782
Account Name: Richardson Marks-White
Account Number: 153497286531
The power of attorney also stated that you suffered and died of throat cancer.You are therefore given 24hrs to confirm the truth of the above information, If you are still alive, you are to contact us immediately since we work 24 hrs just to ensure that we monitor all the activities going on in regards to the transfer of beneficiaries inheritance and contract payment.
You are to respond swiftly for clarifications on this matter immediately.Be advised that any further delay from your side could be dangerous, as we would not be held liable for any wrong payment
Dr Michael MCconeei
TO: Dr. Michael MCconeei
FROM: Bill Singer
Dear Sir/Ma but, in your case, My Dearest Dear Illustrious Dr. Michael MCconeei:
That's a really fascinating last name you got there. Never quite saw an Irish name spelled like that. Are you Irish? Do you pronounce your last name like the famous actor Michael McConaughey? Alright, alright, alright!!! On the other hand, maybe you're a relative of MC Hammer? Did you ever touch it? Are you too legit and did you, in fact, quit?
I'm hoping this email reaches you because when I hit "REPLY," I noticed that the return address contains "leaf.ocn.ne.jp," which regularly pops up on scam alerts. You being a Doctor and all, I'm sure that you're legit (hmmm . . . maybe you are a relative of MC Hammer) and I'm guessing that you're using a ".jp" email address because you live in Japan. How's the weather in Japan? Have you eaten any sushi yet? Have you seen Godzilla -- is he still dating Mothra?
I am honored to learn that I have not one but two representatives and that one of them has the impressive name of Richardson Marks-White. Sadly, I don't quite feel the same pride about my other purported representative (Mrs. Lissy Jones). Just between us, her name falls a bit short on the impressive scale because Jones is just such a common name. Nothing like Marks-White. Although Lissy has a mellifluous sound to it, I would have preferred my second representative to have a hyphenated last name and something a bit fancier for a first name. Also, like what's with the parentheses around her name? Strikes me as a bit pretentious, don't you think?
I was intrigued to learn that Mr. Marks-White and (Ms. Jones) had presented you with a Power of Attorney stating that I am dead. Bummer. And here I was feeling so full of life. I'm going to continue to rack up the billable hours regardless of being dead but it sort of takes all the starch out of it. Remember the movie"Ghost" and how it took the guy some time to realize he was dead? Speaking of which, I've been watching President Trump on television lately and he keeps talking about fire and fury, so maybe everyone will be joining me soon on this side of the light. Can you see North Korea from your home in Japan? Do you know if there are any plans to send Godzilla over to North Korea to take out Kim Jong-un? If Godzilla is still in a relationship with Mothra, maybe she will join him on the mission. You could ask them, right? Wouldn't hurt. By the way, come to think of it, wouldn't "Fire and Fury" be a great name for an over-the-counter drug for either hemorrhoids or cystitis?
You sort of lost me when you explained that Richardson and Lissy (yeah, we're all on a first name basis now) had "brought an account to replace your information in other to claim the said fund in tune of $5.5Million USD which is now lying DORMANT and UNCLAIMED." For the record . . . and I'm assuming that you have begun to create one given the importance of the proposed transaction . . . replacing my information is not something that I pursue in a the flaberetic manner you set forth. Given the dicritic inversion relationship attendant to the transfer of multi-million dollar unclaimed funds, we need to ensure that the relevancies have coalesced in a manner that will permit ongoing resatation of the integral prolapse by which you propose this currency interaction.
I noted your reference to the "tune of $5.5Million USD." I'm not familiar with that song. Can you hum a few bars of it for me? Further, I am disheartened to learn that the tune is lying DORMANT and UNCLAIMED. Is it on an old vinyl LP or tape cassette? Have you tried converting it to a digital file? Also, since it's dormant, have you tried to awaken the tune? Maybe clap your hands very loudly when you're in its vicinity. If it wakes up, I would like to claim the $5.5Million USD. If the tune doesn't awaken, get what you can and send it to me. Keep 20% for your inconvenience. Also, if you can get me a couple of tickets for Springsteen's upcoming eight-week run on Broadway at the Walter Kerr Theater, I would really, really, really appreciate it, as in, who knows, maybe kick back 1/3 of the $5.5Million USD. If you are related to MC Hammer, maybe he knows someone in the biz who could pull a few strings and get us something in the first ten rows? I'd prefer weekends but it's the Boss and if you or MC Hammer can only get, say, a Tuesday, I'm still gonna go but, just sayin', shoot for a Saturday if that's possible.
My dear dearest Dr. MCconeei, I am trying to understand why an individual of your apparent learningtude and erudition would send an email to a recipient who you believe had "suffered and died of throat cancer?" What a horrific scenario you raise. Assuming that I am dead, and I am not necessarily denying that, how would it be possible for me satisfy your demand that I respond within "24hrs to confirm the truth of the above information"? I had asked Dr. Malcolm Crowe for some advice but he hasn't gotten back to me. Do you know Dr. Malcolm Crowe? If you see him, say hi for me.
I understand that you "work 24 hrs just to ensure that we monitor all the activities going on in regards to the transfer of beneficiaries inheritance and contract payment." That is an admirable bit of dedication. I thank you for that helpful warning that "any further delay from your side could be dangerous, as we would not be held liable for any wrong payment." If, as you imply, I am already dead, I don't want to do anything dangerous. Frankly, it would seem best if you kept the dangerous among the living. As to those of us on the dead-side, we all met and voted and just for your peace of mind, we're not going to hold you liable for any wrong payment.
In closing, with all amblutations for concrapulative determinations that you, Richardson, and Lissy are enmaserizing under the looming 24hr deadline, please appreciative knowings take from this an authorized Letter of Ablative Temerance limited to singular parties with allocative interests. My representatives are hereby authorized to signatorialize any documents and Terrorism Certificates pertaining to Prime Bank Notes or trading platforms as provided by Unitednationals secretariat Law Internationale. By my hand this communication is confirmed with indented oaths of [INSERT SSN GENDER BIRTHDATE PHONE]. Best regards.